As many as one-fifth of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, mostly during the first 12-13 weeks following conception. But just because miscarriage is a relatively common occurrence, that doesn’t make it any less devastating for the couple experiencing it.
DeShawn Taylor, MD, MSc, FACOG, helps patients at Desert Star Institute for Family Planning navigate the difficulties of miscarriage, performing evaluations to learn the underlying cause so steps can be taken to prevent a miscarriage in the future. Aside from medical care, the support of a loved one also plays a critical role in recovery.
If you have a relative who’s experienced a miscarriage, providing empathetic support is one of the best things you can do to help them deal with their loss. Here are some steps you can take to help your loved one feel valued, heard, and supported.
Choose your words carefully. Saying things like, “At least it happened early in your pregnancy,” “At least you know you can get pregnant,” or “You can always try again” might be well-intended, but you can unintentionally wind up diminishing their grief and their experience. Instead, try something simple like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” or “I’m here if you need me.”
It’s tempting to think that talking about grief helps you get through it faster, but that’s not the case for everyone. Many people don’t want to talk about their miscarriage — at least, not right away. Being present with your loved one can be a great comfort, especially if they don’t feel pressured to discuss their experience or feelings.
Avoid the temptation to offer solutions or encouragement to get past the pain and grief. Most people are looking for someone who can listen to their feelings and what they’re going through without trying to offer solutions or advice, no matter how well-meaning it may be.
One simple way to help during this difficult time is to offer to help with simple tasks, like household chores or running errands. Dropping off a meal is another way to show support without being unintentionally overbearing. Offering to drive your loved one to appointments or find a support group may help. Tune in to your loved one’s needs and responses to avoid overstepping your boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries, it’s critically important to know when to give your loved one some space to grieve in their way. While you don’t want them to become isolated and withdrawn, most people need some quiet, alone time to deal with their feelings on their own terms. If you want to reach out and check on them, sending them a brief text telling them you’re thinking of them is a good way to do it without being intrusive.
No two people grieve in the same way, and for many people experiencing a miscarriage, their grief can crop up long after the initial event. They may have moments of sadness or even anger, sometimes triggered by the baby’s due date or when seeing photos of a friend’s new baby.
While your loved one may learn to live with their loss, they may never fully get past it. Being available as a quiet, nonjudgmental listener gives them the ongoing support they need.
Experiencing a miscarriage can be one of the most difficult experiences in a person’s life. Being a source of nonjudgmental, steady support can provide the comfort and understanding your loved one needs as they go through the grieving process.
To learn more about miscarriage and how we can help, request an appointment online or over the phone with Dr. Taylor and the team at Desert Star Family Planning in Phoenix, Arizona, today.
